Making A Safe Space for Transpeople in the BDSM Community’

The notes below represent an account of the workshop, as a dialogue between its presenters, Becksie and Jinthana from The Sex Radicals.

B: ‘It felt like I had already completed a day’s work before we had got to Kinkfest . I had woken up early to make coffee for Miss Saffy and LondonBob from Saffyssecrets, whose stall I was helping out with. I was nervous too because the builders were at their house that morning, and they gave me a funny look as I tip-toed down the stairs in my stockings. I carried my new black and pink petticoat with me in a bag, almost like an extra body - it was so huge. I was a bit worried as I was going to have to wear a blonde wig to coordinate with Miss Saffy for her stall, and I didn’t want others to see my wig and dress as an excuse to discriminate against me. Although I was looking forward to meeting all my friends, I remember thinking ‘What happens if Jinthana doesn’t come?’

J: ‘ I woke up with a splitting headache. I had to send off my mum beforehand, and I was nervous about letting Becksie down, not thinking of the right come backs at the right time, and being a bad ally. It’s a bit like going into an exam and thinking you’ll fail not yourself but lots of other people, which makes it even scarier. When I got into the venue, I couldn’t find us on the programme. While one of the main organisers had invited us to hold the workshop, I knew some of the people associated with the event from Informed Consent weren’t very trans-positive and began to make a fuss. Where was our workshop, and how would people find us?’

‘We eventually found help from some of the organisers, who explained that it was a mistake. They gave us pens to advertise the event, and – after some hunting – eventually found our workshop space. It was at this point that Jinthana turned around and told me to ‘Snap out of sub space’ and to start taking some control of my workshop, which made me feel really guilty, although still incapable of doing more than smile at everyone. We got on with drawing posters to advertise the workshop.’

‘I ran off to stick up the posters and ask everyone I knew to spread the word. One of the Kinkfest volunteers looked at me as if I had said the Martian Workshop, and refused to co-operate unless I explain to him what Trans was. I decided that the last five minutes were better spent elsewhere and found my way back to the noisy corner that we had been allocated for our workshop.’

‘We sat in the workshop area, going over what we were going to say, and were pleasantly surprised when people started to arrive early. The workshop space soon began to fill up, and we realised that we actually wouldn’t have room for. It was exciting to note that we had attracted a very diverse mix/crowd of people. Even though we could barely hear ourselves, we shouted above the noise to welcome everyone to the workshop.’

‘Ten people arrived on time, and a handful of others dropped in later. There were FTMs and MTFs of various trans and gender variant identities, as well as several non-trans people, largely partners and allies. There was a lot of diversity in terms of age as well as scene background, with people coming from trans, queer, T-girl and BDSM contexts. This reflected our own, separate and overlapping, histories in these various scenes.’

‘It would have been nice to get a broader cultural mix, but then that’s probably always the case in the kink community.”

It’s put me off coming here for years. I’m a politicised person of colour, and I often feel that I’m in the wrong place. I’m nervous about putting a lot of energy into a group where everyone is white. For example, will we all equally commit to transpeople of colour?

‘Some of the Transfabulous and Wotever organisers had left their stalls and come to support. One guy from Wotever said he was looking for ideas for his own trans awareness workshop. Another trans organiser who wore nothing but an apron apologised for being late as he had just received 42 lashes. A couple consisting of a trans girl and her non-trans girl-friend had come all the way from Suffolk. They said they were relieved to be in a safe space, since the trans partner rarely leaves the house. They sometimes go to gay places but even there people are not very welcoming.’

“It was nice to see them because you often see T-girls on their own rather than with a female partner.”

“Were the scout and the angel a couple? They looked really cute.”

‘The earliest arrivals were two quite respectable-looking older men.’

‘One pleasantly surprised us when he produced cards of himself in glamourous female dress.’

‘The other argued that gender was a continuum and identified himself as a feminine man. Sitting next to them was a youngish guy who had come because - ’

‘”I am bisexual and get turned on looking at trans people.” He left after the first exercise. Then there was a woman who identified herself as joining along with the Transfabulous crowd’.

‘Another woman arrived late and shared that she wanted to find out more to support her partner. The last person to arrive was a TV maid from Nottingham who arrived chaperoned by her owners. She said it was the first time she had come dressed to a kink event like this before.’

‘Several allies, mostly Becksie’s scene friends, popped in and out to see if there was any trouble.’

‘They had heard about some of the debates on IC, but none of those people of course had bothered to show up. I welcomed everybody, and Jinthana kicked off with the icebreaker. We were asked to stand up if we identify with particular things, from eating ice cream to enjoying porn, whether we were a domme, whether we had a trans partner, and whether we had ever dressed up in our mothers’ clothes, which was interesting. Less people stood up for that one than any other. As part of the introductions, we explained who we were and why we were here*.’

‘Becksie then began the first exercise which was to match definitions with terms such as transsexual and transgender.’

‘Some people challenged the differences between transvestite and crossdresser.’

‘And one trans man joked he always got the MTF and FTM mixed up. “We partly wanted to draw attention to the diversity of trans politics and identities. Maybe we should have emphasised this.’

‘Which reminds me of something Leslie Feinberg said about a workshop which invited people of a number of specific trans identities. Feinberg had said, ‘I appreciate this, but I can’t participate, because I’m not actually on the list’. They finally changed the title to include ‘Others’ as well, and he said that this was really positive, and it’s the Others we should celebrate.’

‘There is also so much cultural and geographical diversity like toms in Thailand, that aren’t covered by the western definitions. We resisted giving a ‘What is Trans?’ workshop, which one of the organisers had encouraged us to do, but at the same time felt that we should give people an idea of the various trans identities they might encounter on the scene, but only as a starting point, so they should go out, talk to people, do their own research.’

‘I said to the person with Angel wings, ‘The important thing is not always the word you use but appreciating the right for people to identify in a particular way’, but she also said sometimes getting people to use the right term is really important. For example, confusing TVs and CDs with TSs - though TVs and CDs also have their own rights that often get overlooked. It’s like they get flak from everyone. I didn’t want people to see me as a TV because of my wig at Kinkfest, but at the same time, it shouldn’t matter as much as it does if I did get mistaken.

‘Next, Jinthana began the similarities and differences exercise. We had a handout where people were asked to identify the stereotypes and prejudices that a kinky person would face in four contexts, which were the workplace, among family and friends, in public places and in the kink community itself. The handout allowed people to consider look at any prejudices faced by BDSM people, and then the prejudices that transpeople in particular faced in the same contexts.’

“I was hoping that people would find that, though there’s a lot of similarities, discrimination against trans people tends to be worse than against non-trans kinky people. One guy did say that you can’t take being transsexual off like your clothes when you meet your auntie. Did we mention about transphobia in the kink community?”

“Yes, someone said it’s a shame because you’d assume the kink community is a safer space for transpeople. It might have been at that point that I interjected that there’d been transphobic incidents on Informed Consent.”

‘Someone else said transphobia in the kink community is the result of divide-and-rule. We also showed them the print-out of Patrick Califia, to show that the kink organisers from the start included trans people.’

‘It’s a bit like the Stonewall riots. Some people forget that trans people founded the queer community and the gay liberation movement.’

“Transpeople of colour.”

“Yes. Absolutely. Jinthana introduced the concept of an ally which one person defined as a comrade in struggle. We gave people post-it notes to write down qualities they’d look for in allies and in turn what kind of allies they’d want to be. People got out of their seats and confidently stuck their notes on a big sheet entitled ‘Good Allies’.’

‘You could almost feel the hopes and dreams, the sense of entitlement, but also the disappointments that people had already experienced.’

‘ Jinthana read out all of the notes** and the group were encouraged to applaud what we had constructed together.’

‘We then handed out the reference sheet.’

‘An American group had produced it, on how to become a trans ally***.’

‘I used that reference on IC. It’s really useful as ammunition. It would be useful to ask people what kind of resources they use in situations where they have to counter prejudice. The last exercise was the What-if scenarios. There were two scenarios. One was how to make a munch trans inclusive...’

‘We gave the examples of the London Munch, whose organisers had discouraged TVs and CDs dressing up in case it drew attention to the munch, and of the London Ladies’ Munch, which explicitly excludes trans women under the umbrella ‘no men of any kind’. After some debate the non-trans women at the munch had taken a vote to ‘decide’ that trans women weren’t women and couldn’t come.’

‘ Scenario two was how would you confront someone well known on the scene if they made insulting comments about Trans people.

‘Feedback from scenario one covered five things. One, there was a lot of discussion around unisex toilets, and ensuring that trans people could go to the toilet safely, and not have the terrible choice to go the men’s toilet (for MTFs). There was discussion that there should be some changing facilities available for those who needed to dress on arrival. There was the suggestion of a buddy system, both to meet trans people to go the munch, and to go the toilet together. Then there was stuff around ensuring that the venue was a safe place for trans people to go to, the Princess Louise (the London Munch venue) being a bad example. And the fifth thing was ensuring that the management of the Munch was informed about these issues, as well as all the people who go the Munch so they could challenge the management themselves.’ ‘Someone also said we should talk to the staff at the venue, like bar people and managers, and explain to them that this is a trans-inclusive event and they should be respectful and advocate for clients if necessary.”

‘On scenario two, a couple of people joked that we’d talk to people first, politely, and if they didn’t respond to that, we’d sort them out more persuasively. I think that got some applause. One of them was from Wotever. It was quite empowering to hear someone stand up so confidently about where he is coming from and what his rights are, which for some of us isn’t so easy. It made the point that you shouldn’t be a shrinking violet when dealing with prejudiced people. Another suggestion was challenging people and pointing them towards resources that they could use to educate themselves. If the insult is public, like on a thread in an online community, it was also felt to be important to challenge them in that public space, because that provides support to the people who’ve been insulted, that it’s not acceptable and not a view that represents all the BDSM community. That kind of challenge encourages others to stand up to prejudice. Someone else said in other cases, maybe at a Munch, having a private word might also be an approach, particularly if it is someone who might have been misguided.’

‘People seemed to agree that sometimes it’s good to be unpopular with the right people, and that getting the approval of bigots would actually be a bad sign.’

‘Ultimately, any activist will be called names. Why would you want to be loved by someone who denies your rights? In the end, there wasn’t really a need to conclude the workshop. People started to talk to each other and swap experiences, which continued outside the room. We passed around a sheet with email contacts, and there was a positive sense that we should keep the group going to give support, exchange experiences, develop and share resources, debate issues, and plan possible collective interventions. Hopefully, a regular group event in London will be the next step after Kinkfest, and a positive contribution towards a more inclusive community.’

Appendix:

• Organisers’ Introductions

B: ‘As a Transperson at a BDSM event, I always feel pressurised to explain who I am. I am continually asked, for example, am I male or female? As if those were the only two things anyone could be. I also feel pressurised not to dress too provocatively as a submissive, in case someone accuses me of being a feminine stereotype. For both reasons, I’m not going to make any attempt to explain who I am, or to excuse the size of my petticoat. Although I have been involved in BDSM for some years, it was only as a transsexual did I discover how much prejudice there existed within the community. I and my friends have been insulted and discriminated against on countless occasions, both online and in person, sometimes with support from good allies, and sometimes left to battle on our own. I have been told to shut up and wait until I have had my operation before expecting to be included; told to go away and set up my own group if I didn’t agree with the one’s which excluded people like me. I believe that the BDSM community ought to offer an inclusive, safe, and informed space, which appreciates people’s right to identity. We hope we can make a start on that process today, by looking at practical ways we can make a difference together.’

J: ‘I began to think about trans issues much more recently than Becksie. This isn’t a coincidence, since I’m not trans, and I could afford to walk through the world blissfully unaware of transphobia. Someone once said that being privileged is like walking through a glass door that automatically opens for me but slams shut in the faces of others. Unless they are with me or explain the mechanism to me, I’m gonna take it for granted that ‘Of course this door will open for me. Of course I can go to the ladies’ loo without being chucked out. Of course I can go to the London Ladies’ Munch. Of course I can go to the London Munch in a skirt without being told by the organisers that this is a vanilla venue and I shouldn’t draw attention to the munch, as if my femininity was just a kink. Of course I can find a lover who will see me as myself and not go ‘But I’m into girls’.’

I’d love to tell you that one day I went to a workshop like this and instantly understood all about trans issues and became this great trans ally. But that’s not what happened. It’s been unsettling to see everything I know about men and women crumble. It’s difficult to witness bad things happen to people I care about, and to stay present when they’re hurt and angry. It’s scary to lose friends and community when challenging transphobia. It’s hard to recognise myself as someone who’s privileged and often ignorant, and to accept criticism. But I’m so glad I embarked on this journey. If we feel entitled to an inclusive and diverse community, it’s definitely worth putting in the effort it takes to build it.’

**The Characteristics of a Good Ally (produced by workshop participants)

Trustworthy Respectable Willing to speak up and out Does not say, ‘I am not trans myself, but…’ A commitment, not a fashion. Not defensive. Acts as a soundboard Source of human warmth Articulate Well-placed Unprejudiced Clear-sighted Kind Friendly An advocate Assertive Sense of humour Open to question and answer Compassionate Good communicator Open and willing to learn Changes opinions through discussion Knowledgeable Accepting Understanding Supportive A good listener Unassuming Open minded Non directive Has good makeup skills

***Resource Handout

Action Tips for Allies of Trans People – http://web.mit.edu/trans